In every healthy relationship both persons must resolve some sort of conflict. Arguments and even fights are essential in an improving relationship. As they both mature mentally, they find themselves uneasy and insecure more often. They ask themselves so many "what if" questions that it drives them insane. The risks of acting upon instinct and desire lead to dire consequences that beg for the answers to whether she will act maliciously or not. In other words, everyone asks him/herself, is my lover cheating on me? Is it wrong to be insecure? Does that mean you hold no trust or does that mean they don"t deserve your trust? So many inquiries that certainly need to be answered will most likely be left alone anyway. It"s the benevolent trust and natural bond in a relationship that will determine whether it is true love or not.
*********
With my serious case of Senioritis, I focused on nothing but enjoying myself. Day in and day out I"d neglect my academics and when night rolls around, I"d feel the pang of guilt kick in. Mackenzie often slept over, sneaking in at one o"clock in the morning through my bedroom window. Sometimes I"d offer her a ladder but she always said she needs a workout, and surely climbing up the side of my house was good enough of an excuse. She"d recommend that I write my paper or finish my lackadaisical excuse of a project. Obviously crawling into bed with a beautiful brunette was more enticing than any schoolwork. Mackenzie wouldn"t pressure me any further once I start to kiss her soft lips, her neck, her beautiful breasts...and I wouldn"t stop until I had her completely satisfied. Everything was fine and our daily routine was always the same. She worked, I go to school, I come home or go party, and then she sneaks in to me. Everything was perfectly fine up until after I had graduated. Obviously Mackenzie had her own business to attend to in college and at work and I was waiting for acceptance letters from all of the school I had applied for. Not once had it occurred to me, however, that Mackenzie is in college and she does have many friends and acquaintances. At this point I learned what true insecurity is. I myself had entered college by the end of this summer, which is inconveniently located three hours away from Mackenzie"s school. She lived in an apartment with two other roommates since this would be her second year. I was never a huge fan of long-distance
relationships but now that it has become one...all I could keep saying to myself was "distance is the ultimate test of faith."
**********
"Are you going to call me later?"
Mackenzie was silent while I sat on the phone patiently waiting for an answer.
"Well?"
I tried not to sound so aggravated since being a patient girlfriend is essential. Mackenzie had just recently told me that she is bipolar, which causes a lot of emotional stress for her. At last she replied in a soft voice,
"I don"t know."
It really irks me when she replies with the words "I don"t know" or "okay" because usually she"ll give me some smart-ass retort and laugh it off jokingly then answer me. I inhaled deeply, attempting to calm myself since I needed to be understanding for this girl. She was there for me, and now when her depressing mood starts acting up, I have to be a patient lover.
"What do you mean you don"t know? Are you going to be busy?"
"I don"t know. I"ll try to call you later."
Normally, she"ll say "I"ll call you, I promise babe" or simply use the pet names that I absolutely adore. I knew something was wrong again. It"s been over a year and all this time she"s suppressed the depression moments for so long. Constraining herself just so she wouldn"t say anything to hurt me. This was becoming too much though and I knew damn well she was struggling.
"Okay. Try to call me. I miss you."
"Yeah."
"I"m coming home this weekend. You know, winter break."
"Oh."
"Well, I have to go to my study session. Try to call me after work?"
"Yeah."
"I love you babe."
"Bye."
As I closed my flip-phone, I tried not to do it angrily. I knew I had to calm myself because I have to understand her situation. Her mood changes so quickly and finally she just had to let it out. She couldn"t suppress it anymore and I chose to stay. She gave me the option to leave but no, I love this girl. I chose to stay and try my best. This is not my best...not when I"m becoming aggravated over something as stupid as her not saying back "I miss you" or "I love you." I left my dorm room and ran into Joshua.
"Hey Annie, party tonight. You gonna skip another one and be a loser or hit it up with me?"
"Ha, alright Josh. I"ll quit being a loser for tonight...after my study session. Call me."
"Can I holla? Haha!"
"No."
"Damn, I was just kidding. I know you love your girl."
"Damn straight bitch."
I shoved him playfully then headed out, in search for my car. I drove across campus and landed myself out on the main roads, heading to Starbucks. I had agreed to meet up with Kristen, Brian, Leah, and Seth from my Chemistry class to study for our exams before break. This was one of my first steps that I had promised myself in improving my grades. No more Senioritis but definitely more parties. I was finding myself in a tough situation. I was clutching my cell phone during the whole group discussion of whether we should buy some brownies or not. Of course doing the homework and lab was important too. I continuously flipped open my phone even though I know it never rang to check to see if Mackenzie had called.
"Damn it Annie pay attention. You really need to know chapter seven."
Kristen snarled. She is such a study freak. Not only does she force herself to study hours on end but she also feels it necessary to make others who spend time with her do so as well.
"I know chapter seven."
"What"s it about? What time your girlfriend called?"
"No."
"Okay then. Hit the books."
"I"m gonna go hit up a party in thirty. Brian? Seth? Leah? Who"s up for it?"
"What about me huh?"
Kristen whined, closing her textbook slowly but not completely.
"I know you can"t close that book Kristen. I"m not even gonna bother to ask you. If you can close your textbook completely for 30 minutes, then I"ll believe you."
Brian snickered.
"Psh."
Kristen slowly let the book close but continued to stare at the cover. The rest of us laughed it off and just talked over coffee and brownies while Kristen sat silently for the next thirty minutes. After that all of us left Starbucks and headed out for the party. I still clutched my cellular as tight as I could, hoping to hear it ring.
**********
I woke up with a huge headache and I was momentarily unaware of my whereabouts. I frantically felt around in search for my cell phone. There was a knock on the door to my dorm and I slapped my roommate to go open the door. She grudgingly kicked her blankets off mumbling "it"s fucking 7:30 AM, what the fuck?" and threw the door open. I was still crawling all over the floor looking for my phone. Josh smirked as he stood in the doorway, arm resting on the doorframe above his head as he leaned to his left.
"So, Miss Annie...you are pretty wild when you"re smashed."
I disregarded his comment, still searching for my phone.
"Josh have you seen my phone?"
"Yeah um, you threw it in the pool yesterday cuz you got mad."
"Why"d I get mad?!"
I cried out in panic.
"Someone called you and it wasn"t Mackenzie so you just threw it as hard as you could into the water."
"You didn"t try to stop me?!"
"Dude, you fucking bit me when I did."
"Oh."
I started looking for my roommate"s cell phone then. She handed it to me just to shut me up. I shakingly dialed Mackenzie"s number. She didn"t pick up, even after the seven times I called in a row. Josh shook his head and looked down as he spoke,
"You know Annie, I"ve only known you for a couple months but I know damn well that your girlfriend isn"t worth your time."
"Josh, I know you like me but this is not how you get on my good side."
I mumbled, aggravated.
"It"s not that. She doesn"t pick up your calls. She only calls you once every few days and that"s the only time you and her ever get to have your five-minute conversations. Long-distance is hard but it shouldn"t be this hard on you Annie."
And I stood there in the middle of that tiny dorm, realizing that Josh did have a point. What he was saying was absolutely true. Mackenzie never has time for me, even with her bipolar disorder. And then I broke down crying, wishing that this week would pass just so I could go home and see her.
**********
"Hi."
Mackenzie said with a straight face as I stood at her door. She slowly stepped back and pushed the door open for me. I hesitated, not knowing what to do since I was expecting a more lively and excited greeting. I made myself comfortable in her living room, wondering if her roommates were home.
"Nice to see you"re home."
"Mackenzie...is there something you need to tell me?"
"No. Why do you ask?"
"Because...you haven"t called me in two weeks and you haven"t returned my calls."
"Oh. I"m sorry."
I sighed, feeling my anger rising into my throat. Once again, I attempted to stop myself for bursting out with anger. Yet, she was acting just fine. She didn"t seem depressed...
"You"re sorry?"
"Yeah. I just haven"t had the time."
"You"ve always had the time. Damn it Mackenzie, are you cheating on me?"
"What?"
"Is there someone else?"
She was silent for a long while. I was afraid of this. I had been thinking plenty about what if this had happened. What would I do? What would I say? I was acting the opposite of how I planned it for myself.
"Just fucking tell me the truth Mackenzie."
"I love you...and I would never do anything to hurt you like that."
"Don"t lie to me."
I broke down again, crying my eyes out. She hesitantly put her arms around me and kissed me on the forehead while she wiped away my tears.
"Baby, I"m sorry I"ve been distant but I"ve had a lot of thinking to do. I need some space and time away from you. I thought the time between your studying and your break would be great for me to come to understand what it is that I"m having problems with."
I looked up, ceasing the tears and just hugging her tightly. I miss the moments like these back when I was in high school, back when I could see her and feel her touch every night. Mackenzie pulled me up and led me back to her room.
"Annie, I"ve missed you so much, you don"t even know. I may not show it but I have."
There were so many questions I had to ask her. Questions like what were you trying to figure out? Where did I go wrong? Am I doing you wrong? Is there something you"re hiding? But I couldn"t make myself ask her. She"s finally acting normal again. I didn"t want to ruin that.
**********
I felt her unzip my pants and slide her left hand up my thigh. Her soft lips landing upon mine gently. I could feel the last of my tears stream down my cheeks. She gently wiped that away and kissed my cheek. Her lips were so soft and I had forgotten how beautiful she is. She pushed herself into me as she took control, lying on top of me while running her hand through my hair. I took hold of her wait with both hands from the beneath here and pulled her body harder into mine. Feeling her pussy grind against mine. She slowly slid my shirt off and pulled hers off slowly, teasing a bit. I undid her bra and felt her nipples press against mine. I slid my right leg between her thighs and let our smooth skin rub gently. She started kissing my neck, nibbling at my left ear. Her hands sliding down my sides. She ran her right hand across and around my stomach, applying pressure at the hipbone. I felt her kiss down my neck, across my collarbone and down in between my breasts. Her hands pulling my pants off, she let her kisses move towards my right nipple. I could feel her hot breath on my skin, causing me to breathe harder. I let out a small, weak moan and edged her on. I could now feel her warm lips surrounding my nipple, feeling her tongue press flat against it. The warm, wet tongue swirling around my nipple. She flicked it with the tip of her tongue, left and right, up and down. She moved to the left nipple and did the same, sucking on it gently. I could feel the rush of that feel-good sensation from my clit, radiating warmth throughout my body. Her kisses moved down my stomach and her hand pushed between my thighs.
She slowly moved her hand up, lightly tracing along my thigh. She continued kissing down my stomach, kissing my hipbones and finally, pulling my thong down with her teeth. Her tongue lightly, barely touching my skin as she removed it. She had my legs spread and she slowly guided herself closer to my slit. She lightly ran her fingers up and down it, making me barely feel it, teasing. Finally I let out a frustrated yet playful moan. At that moment she pushed one finger into me and felt my body react. I pushed against her hand; she pulled out slowly, letting me feel it. Her tongue slid in gently, applying pressure to my clit. Her tongue traced circles around and around my clit, occasionally stopping to flick it with the tip of her tongue. She pressed her tongue flat against my clit and pushed two fingers into me. I moaned again softly to edge her on. She continued finger fucking me then eventually pulled out and replaced her fingers with her tongue. I was in ecstasy, my head was spinning and I begged for her to go faster. Let her tongue move faster and push harder and deeper into me. Her hands were caressing my breasts while she continued to slide her tongue in and out of me. Finally I felt it. I felt the burst of pleasure spread from my clit, the warmth engulfing my whole body. I gripped the bed sheets, my eyes closed, my back arching in pleasure. She continued, speeding up and applying more pressure. I couldn"t contain my moans anymore and screamed her name. I felt her kiss back up my body as my orgasm receded. I kissed her soft lips and she hugged me tight by the waist.
"I love you Mackenzie."
And here I thought everything was okay.
As she neared orgasm, I pushed myself into her deep and kissed her, feeling her moan into my mouth. Immediately I stopped, the moment she screamed. The moment her orgasms receded she vulnerably said,
"I love you so much. I don"t know what I"d do without you Perry."
"...what?"
I got up from on top of Mackenzie and started dressing myself. Wondering if I had heard wrong. Had she said...Perry? Or did I misunderstand it because I"m insecure?
"I said I love you Annie."
"No...you said Perry."
A long period of silence stood between the two of us. Finally it took its toll and she couldn"t take it anymore.
"I"m sorry Annie. I really am."
"You...you lied to me earlier."
"I know. I didn"t wanna hurt you."
"Well it hurts more than it would have if you didn"t lie in the first place. After you make love to me? What is that?"
"I should have told you."
"No shit Mackenzie. Perry? A guy?"
"Yes."
"Damn it Mackenzie how can you say you love and go on cheating on me? I was only gone for a couple months!"
"It"s not that."
"What? You can"t handle the distance? Is that it? You should"ve just broken it off and go with this Perry."
"I don"t love him."
"You just said you did."
"Not the way I love you."
"I don"t give a f*cking shit how you love me. You lied to me. You cheated on me. How can I ever trust you again?"
"I supposed you can"t. But I wanna rebuild that trust. I love you Annie. You"re my everything."
"If that were so then you"d be complete with JUST ME. You shouldn"t need anybody else."
"I know but..."
"But what? What"s he got that I can"t provide?"
And she couldn"t answer me after that. I couldn"t take it anymore. I left her apartment and found myself sitting at my best friend Alex"s house. I was crying my heart out to him. He just gently hugged me and told me everything was okay. Everything was not okay. So I headed on home. My parents were out of town; how inconvenient. I sat alone digging through the freezer, looking for ice cream to wallow myself in. I could clearly see that bottle of vodka and I fought the urge to grab it. I ultimately failed and started taking shots more than I"ve ever done in my life. I promised myself I wouldn"t light up again...I did. I smoked two cigarettes and still the pain won"t way. I promised myself I"d never cut again. Three scars on my left arm should be a nice reminder of the shit I got from all my friends and family. I still did it though. I tried to kill the pain. I tried to alleviate myself and remove the burden of stress on my heart. Nothing was working and I cried myself to sleep.
**********
She called three times this morning. I silenced my cellular just so I wouldn"t know, but I checked my phone because I miss her. I looked at my bloody arm, dried blood streaking down my wrist. I couldn"t bare the sight. I got up, rinsed it, but it continued to bleed. I could care less at this point; I can"t even feel the physical pain. All I can feel is the inner stabs into my heart that Mackenzie had so inadvertently planted in me. I looked at my phone again, wondering if I should return the phone calls...
"Hello?"
"Mackenzie."
"Annie? Baby...we need to talk."
"I know. That"s why I"m callin"."
"..."
"So what"s the deal with you and Perry?"
"Nothin"."
"How can it be nothing? What have you done with him? Do you love him? Is he your boyfriend?"
"I...I haven"t done anything to him. I don"t love him like that. And I guess we"re sort of dating..."
"Oh. You haven"t done anything TO him?"
"He...he"s gone down on me and everything but I haven"t done anything to him, I swear."
"Bad enough."
"I know but I broke up with him. I broke up with him yesterday."
"Oh yesterday? You didn"t break up with him before even though you clearly knew it was wrong? How you gonna tell me you love me?"
"Babe...I do love you."
"Whatever. You"re gonna cheat one me and tell me you love me? If you love me you wouldn"t even THINK about it."
"Can we just...set it all behind in the past? I know I have problems. Sometimes...I just don"t feel it."
"So what? You’re just gonna go around looking’ for love elsewhere?”
“No, it’s not that. You know how I am, I just need the physical comfort.”
“More like physical PLEASURE.”
“Babe…it’s not like that. Can we talk about this over dinner?”
“No. I don’t think I can handle seeing you after what happened.”
“Please, don’t do this to me.”
“No, YOU don’t do this to ME.”
I shouldn’t have hung up on her like that. It only worsened the pain inside. When I heard her voice, even though everything that came out of my mouth was harsh, I felt better. I felt the love again. I felt like she makes everything okay. She completes me and without her and her love, I’m at a loss. I wanted to call her back. I wanted to discuss this thoroughly and make it work, regardless of the pain she’s been putting upon me. I wanted to forgive her if she asked for it. I wanted to accept her apologies and forget; I simply just wanted to put the past behind us because the past is the past.
**********
I found her sitting in the arms of her roommates attempting to comfort her. Those were sincere tears that I saw and sincere kisses upon my lips that I felt. I held on to her tight and pushed all the pain into the back of my mind.
“Don’t leave me. Please. I love you.”
“I love you too Mackenzie. You know that.”
“Forgive me? I promise I won’t do it again. I know it was a huge mistake.”
“I know babe. It’s okay. Forget it. The past is the past.”
And she fell asleep in my arms. I still thought a lot. Wondering if I can truly just put this aside and forget. I’d always remind her though. Let her know that I won’t take it again. Let her know that I can’t always be forgiving. Sometimes, things just can’t go her way. In this relationship, everything goes her way. I let her have her freedom and I let her have everything. I give her my all. I just want to make her happy.
**********
“Where are you?”
I promised myself I wouldn’t turn into one of those girls, the ones who are so insecure that they have to know exactly where their girlfriend is, what she’s doing, when she’s going to be home.
“I’m out.”
“With who this time?”
“James and Laina.”
“Where are you?”
“Party…”
“When are you gonna be home?”
“I don’t know. 6?”
“That’s late. I’m home for the month and you’re out partying?”
“One last time…I’ll spend the rest of the month with you. Your parents are gone for two weeks right? I’ll spend my nights with you.”
“No drinking and no touching.”
“No drinking? That’s no fun.”
“Whatever.”
“Alright, no drinking.”
“Promise me you won’t drink or mess around.”
“I promise.”
“Okay, call me when you get home.”
“Okay baby, I love you.”
“Bye Mackenzie.”
I wanted to say ‘I love you’ but I was so angry that I couldn’t even think it. I laid in bed at ten o’ clock at night trying to fall asleep. Usually I’m on the phone with her by now until three or four in the morning. I tossed and turned and just waited for that phone call. I read, I watched a movie, and I even exercised to pass the time. Three o’ clock flew by and still no phone call. I was anxious and anticipating for my phone to ring but it never did. I frustratingly called Mackenzie’s cell and she picked up, not sounding quite right.
“HELLO?”
“Why are you yelling?”
“Oh damn, music’s loud!”
“Are you drunk?”
“No, not yet. I mean, babe can I drink a little? Keg!”
“Don’t.”
“Just a little, I promise I won’t get drunk.”
“I don’t care. You already promised that you wouldn’t drink.”
“Just a little baby. Please?”
“Did you already?”
“…”
“Fine, just do whatever you want. I’m tired of caring.”
“Babe, no don’t be like that.”
“Be like what?”
“I only drank a little.”
“Bye.”
I can never just hang up like that and not call back. I needed to know if she was okay and I needed to know if we were okay. I waited an hour or two. I was anxious the whole time, wishing that I never hung up like that. I thought about if she cared that I did. I thought about if she would stop drinking because she cared that I was angry. I just snapped eventually and called her back.
“Hello?”
“Mackenzie…”
“Who is this?”
“It’s your girlfriend.”
“My girlfriend? Nuh uh…who are you?”
“Annie.”
“Annie? Oh hey what’s up baby? Major party going on right now, you should come over!”
“It’s late, come back home.”
“Who are you?”
“It’s Annie. Your girlfriend.”
“No, you’re not my girlfriend!”
“What? Are you drunk?”
“No! I’m not drunk!”
“Mackenzie, it’s your girlfriend. I’m asking you to come back home now.”
“No, my girlfriend’s right here! See? She’s throwing up in the bathroom right now.”
“Your girlfriend huh? She’s there with you?”
“Hell yeah! She sure knows how to have fun!”
“Are you drunk? Who’s your girlfriend? Do you even know who I am?”
“No I’m not drunk! How many times do I have to tell you? My girlfriends right here. Yeah she’s hot.”
“Do you know who I am?”
“No! That’s why I’m trying to get to know you! Come over!”
“It’s late. Come back home.”
“I don’t even know you!”
“Call me when you’re sober.”
“Um okay. Wait how’d you get my number?”
“I’m your girlfriend, of course I have your number. Bye.”
“Okay…bye.”
Apparently when she’s drunk she always has these memory problems as to who I am. It’s already happened once or twice before so I wasn’t surprised. I tried taking it in a calm manner and in an orderly fashion but I just broke down. I fell asleep once again in tears.
**********
The phone rang at 8:30 AM. I groggily picked it up.
“Mackenzie?”
“Hey honey.”
“Did you just now get home?”
“No. I’m on my way over to your place.”
“It’s early.”
“I know but I wanna see you.”
“Do whatever. You already did.”
“What are you talking about?”
“I thought I told you to fix your drinking problem. Before you started crying to me when you were drunk about your ex-girlfriend. I know she’s your first but you need to get over her if you love me.”
“Baby that was three months ago, don’t bring it up. I love you now.”
“You thought I was her when you were on the phone with me. You kept telling me that you wanted to get back with me, your ex-girlfriend, whatever.”
“I didn’t mean that, I wasn’t thinking straight.”
“You obviously felt it.”
“Let me talk to you about it when I get there.”
“Don’t even bother. The door’s locked.”
“I have a key.”
“Don’t use it then.”
“Babe, let me come over.”
“Whatever.”
I hung up again without saying ‘I love you,’ as much as I wanted to say it. Every time I hear her voice it makes me so weak and vulnerable but I can’t give in like those times I did before. I can’t give in and give her everything she wants when I know it isn’t right. She always promises me something and never hold tight on it. I don’t know why I trust her so much. I don’t understand how I can forgive her so many times and think nothing of it. It’s just something I can’t control. My ambiguity is always present nowadays. All my altruistic words and actions are just brushed off and it seems like she doesn’t have a care in the world what I contribute to this relationship. I wonder if she ever appreciates my generosity as much as I do her. She’s given me so much love and so much of her time and that is all I need. I never once took her for granted. Is this unrequited love? Does she love me as much as I love her? Am I simply giving and not receiving anything in return? I’m not asking for much but I wonder if her eloquent words and her aesthetic eyes are telling me lies. I chose not to believe it. I still choose not to believe in my doubts.
**********
I could hear the front door open and close quietly. Mackenzie found her way into my room, staggering a bit. I saw her collapse on a nearby chair and tried to organize her thoughts. She sat in silence for a while; I could tell she didn’t know where to start. I was to frustrated with everything about her that I sat up, ignoring my dizziness from the blood rushing to my head.
“What do you want Mackenzie? Let me rephrase that, what more do you want?”
“What do you mean?”
“You know damn well what I mean.”
“I know I promised but I was just having a little fun.”
“Do you know what time it is?”
“Yes.”
“I think we need a break.”
“What? Why?”
“Because you neglect to listen to me for the simple things I ask of you. It’s not like I’m asking you to get a hysterectomy. It’s not that big of a deal.”
“Well if it’s not that big of a deal why are you making it so?”
“No, you don’t listen to me. You break your promises. That’s why I’m making this a scene.”
“I can’t do anything about that.”
“Yes you can. Just stop drinking and stop fooling around. Do you even know what you said to me five hours ago?”
“No.”
“Fine, I’ll tell you.”
She sat in disbelief; convinced that all I was doing was trying to do was play a guilt trip on her. She promised me over and over again she was trying to change. She may have been a player but she swears that she’s changing because I’m different, because she truly loves me and I’m worth all her time and effort. She just needs some time to work on the change and slowly adjust to starting anew. That was understandable. I felt that she was being honest and sincere. She was usually honest. Her morals would never let her lie to me and that was enough for me to trust her again. I should be more cautious and stop putting my heart out on the line. It could get trampled, smashed, and then shattered into a million pieces for me to pick up all over again. Each time a piece is a missing and I can’t find it. I can’t find myself to give my whole self to one individual because those missing pieces, those bits of memories and experience, remind me of past agony. I still try. I still love this girl with all my heart. I’ve said those words time and time again to her, receiving it back, and believing it. I never took heed to my own instincts. She means too much for me to pull away.
“Let’s start over Annie. I can do better. I know I can be what you deserve. You’ve been so good to me, forgiving me over and over again. You’ve been so patient, thank you.”
“Okay. I love you Mackenzie, so much.”
“I love you too babe.”
===To be continued…===
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